What Killed Jack Klugman, Charles Durning, and Norman Schwarzkopf? Note: Zsa Zsa is Still Alive....

Even though Crunchyface was briefly out-of-country, he still knows the truth regarding the causes of death of America's most recently departed celebrities. Klugman, Durning, and Schwarzkopf all dying within a few days of one another, sent a shock wave through the Bingo community last week, and raised a lot of questions. Here are the answers.

What Killed Klugman, Durning, and Schwarzkopf? Nine Possible Explanations...

Norman Schwarzkopf

1) Schwarzkopf wound up succumbing to Pronuncivitus, an unfortunate disease that gradually kills those people with too many silent letters in their name.

In some victims, early symptoms include looking nasty, and being stupid.

2) He never quite got over the 1991 cancellation of NBC's Stormin' Norman/Colin Powell-Power Hour, which aired on Saturday mornings just after Saved By the Bell.

The action figures didn't exactly fly off the shelves either.

3) Wolf Blitzer has finally succeeded in his diabolical plan to eliminate every other stupidly-named Desert Storm personality. When Arthur Kent, (the "Scud Stud"), went missing somewhere in Canada last year, Stormin' Norman had to figure that his days, too, were numbered.

Jack Klugman

4) Producers refused to give him a part in the upcoming Quincy movie, unless he took on a very specific type of non-speaking role.

5) The annoying ghost of Tony Randall kept pestering Klugman till he eventually gave up fighting it.

6) Klugman was the final casualty of the Odd Couple wars, which pitted Lemmon and Matthau vs. Randall and Klugman in a crotchety-old-man bloodletting.  

"Watch out, Tony. Lemmon goes for the groin..."

Charles Durning

7) Kermit finally took the revenge upon Doc Hopper that he so richly deserved.

He needed closure.

8) Durning lost the will to live when it was recently announced that in the future all character actors will be replaced by Golem.

9) Durning's unnatural acceptance of Burt Reynolds (Sharky's Machine, Stick, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, Evening Shade), hints at form of mental illness which must have eventually claimed the actor's life. Indeed, other performers also seem to have fallen victim to it...


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